Always....!!

Some of you may have already come across this - it's an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. I had to post it because it's so true - and hilarious! (sorry guys...)

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

(now isn't that just the best!!??)

Give My Regards To Broadway….

Hey all. Oh my Gaw! Only 3.5 months to go! Can you believe it? Me neither. Sometimes I stop and think – is this really happening? Right now it’s all still a dream about this fantastical day that is going to happen. Through all of my planning, I’ve come to realize, getting married is almost like putting together a broadway show!

First – you need the storyline: “boy meets girl – boy falls madly in love with girl cause she’s so fabulous; boy and girl get married!”.

Second – a title: “Lisa & Rich’s Wedding”. Perfect.

Third – a writer, producer and director – That would be ME!

Let’s not forget the Cast: Bride, Groom, Wedding Party, Family and Friends;

Art Director – (Photographer);

Music and Lighting Director – (DJ);

Food and Beverages – thank you Venue!

And of course – the audience – that would be YOU!

The curtain raises and VOILA! “Lisa and Rich’s Wedding” has its opening night! (day)

You hold your breath and hope that all goes as planned – so much time spent preparing and planning. All you can do is have faith and relax and let everything go. The opening line “we gather here today… followed by a lovely script of warm fuzzies, and coming to the finale when the groom may kiss the bride”.

The crowd is on it’s feet – they are happy and smiling and clapping - a standing ovation! And you take your bow. Well Done I Say! Well Done Indeed! (See – I told you I’m living in a dream world! ;)

A Productive (and fun) Weekend!

This Saturday, Rich and I decided we’d go to look for a suit for him for the wedding. Well, I decided. Rich agreed. His sister had mentioned a men’s suit store in the city so we thought, what the heck, let’s give it a try.

We had an amazing experience there! I’ll give it a plug- it was “Tom’s” in Kensington. Amazingly good service and great prices too. Right away the salesman, William, took one look at Rich and pulled 3 suits down for him to try on. They all fit him very well, but one in particular stood out and he looked SO handsome in it. Even though he didn’t have on a proper shirt, tie, shoes etc. – you could tell it was a great cut for him and it was “the one”.

Rich told William he’d take it, and right away a tailor was marking the hem on the pants and within 10 minutes, Rich had a suit that fit him perfectly and it was packaged up and ready for us to take home with us. He also got a shirt and tie for the big day, as well as ties for our ushers. The selection at this store was great – the service was great and the prices couldn’t be beat. What a great day! (and hello!!! how easy do guys have it??? Jeeez!)

After suit shopping, we had a lovely lunch at a little French bistro in the Kensington area. Crepe cordon bleu for me and croque monsieur for Rich - It was tres delish! On our way home, we took a quick detour to IKEA, bought some fun things for the house – then home to eat our chicken roti’s for dinner that we picked up while out on our travels. YUMMERS!

Sunday was spent at home (it was FREEZING out) addressing invitations and getting them in order. I’m not sending them out just yet – but our lives seem so busy right now and time is tickin’ away! The more I can get done now, the better.